Oh Shut Up
by Laury the Latrator
Summary: Or: Three Conversations They Could Have Following The Crimson Hat but probably didn't . Completely and utterly Jisbon.


**Three Conversations They Could Have Following The Crimson Hat (but probably didn't)**

**1. Saint Teresa  
**"That couch missed you."

"I hope it's not the only one."

"I'm sure your teacup has been pining as well."

"Funny. Come, join me."

"Thanks… You know, they're not all going to be crazy murderers."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm just saying, you must be feeling pretty messed up. Your first time after nine years of celibacy and she turns out to be Red John's man. Er… woman. I do not envy you right now."

"I'm confused, are you pitying me or mocking me?"

"Can't I do both?"

"Poorly. Besides, how do you know I've been abstaining all these years."

"I… I assumed… I mean, I know you get offers but…"

"Relax. I attempted and failed to lighten the mood. Apparently I've gotten rusty at our usual banter."

"It'll come back to us."

…

"Seriously, it's good that you're opening up a little. One day you'll meet a girl who isn't trying to manipulate you."

"I don't want to meet anyone."

"Then what about Miss Loreliar?"

"It was an important component of my plan."

"Yeah right. That chick's a sociopath, she gives nothing away. There's no way you could have known she was his accomplice."

"Giving up my celibacy, as you called it, was the ultimate white flag. I knew he would pounce on it, albeit I underestimated his punctuality."

"Any reason you chose her, or was it just convenient?"

"Are we really having this conversation? Fine. Yes, she was 'convenient', but it was more than that. I'm not so shallow. She reminded me of someone."

"Your wife?"

"She talked about the strict delineation of right and wrong and the importance of faith."

"…Oh."

"Yeah."

…

"Did you get lectured by the nun?"

"What?"

"The nun, in the church. I saw her walk by as I was crawling out. Did she call you out for yelling in a place of worship."

"She might've mentioned how hate stems from the flaws in our own souls, not the actions of others."

"Priceless."

"She had a point."

"Saint Teresa, cowed by a small town nun."

"Oh shut up."

**2. Like a Normal Woman  
**"What was that about?"

"Lower your voice."

"You slept with her!"

"Later Lisbon, not here."

"My office. Now."

"Fine. We're here, what do you want?"

"I want to know why you let me get blindsided in there!"

"Great, you're yelling. Calm down."

"Calm down? You always tell me to calm down, but you know what, it doesn't freaking work! You had sex with that girl! I kept thinking you were going to deny it, but no. I just sat there dumbly like an idiot, and it's all your fault! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Look, it was a mistake. I regretted it soon after. You don't need to go through all this, I've already thought of everything you could say."

"You had to know she would try and taunt you, hurt us. Of course she would bring up sleeping with her, you stupid… Why didn't you tell me? I had to find out in an interrogation! Do you know how humiliating that is?"

"It's not you who's humiliated, Lisbon, that's the point."

"No! You know damn well she was talking to me!"

"Forget it, it doesn't concern you."

"I'm your best friend! Or the closest thing you have to one, anyway. Why wont you treat me like one!"

"I do! Of course I do! Everything that's happened, I've let you in on it as soon as I could! When I knew Red John was alive, I told you. When I was forced to cover my tracks, I told you. When I have a plan, when I have information, I tell you first. And when I could safely let you in on my trap, my fake breakdown, I did. I told you, Teresa. Only you."

"Then why not this?"

"Because this was a weakness. I bought into my own con. A rookie mistake. And believe it or not your opinion of me matters. I'd hoped this would be just another thing we don't talk about. But there you go, proving me wrong time and time again."

"God I hate you sometimes."

"I gathered that, dear. In the church as I was making my escape."

…

"Thanks for the hug."

"Why do we have to have these screaming matches?"

"Because you don't get jealous like a normal woman."

"Oh shut up."

**3. Meanings  
**"The FBI called. She's going to a maximum security prison. It wont be a pleasant experience for her."

"All the more incentive to talk."

"Exactly."

…

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes, but I can't guarantee an answer."

"Why did you… kiss her? On the head, I mean, in the interrogation room."

"Did you think I could sleep with someone, after all these years, and not have feelings for her?"

"No, I guess not."

"Even if she turned out to be… Well, it still meant something to me."

"Thanks for answering."

"You deserve it."

"You know…"

"Yes?"

"It's not fair to… say something important to someone and not get a reply."

"What are you talking about?"

"What you said, before you shot me. I know you remember."

"I… it was a risky plan, even with the bulletproof vest. We had to use real bullets in case they tested the area for gun powder and we had to leave the casings behind. It was dangerous."

"It worked fine."

"I'm not exactly a marksman, Lisbon. I don't like firing guns. What if I'd missed the vest, shot you in the arm or… Then of course, there was the rest of the plan, all incredibly dangerous, though mostly for me. In that moment I thought I ought to at least say the words. It felt right, even if there was a mess to clean up afterwards."

"You meant it then?"

"In every deception there lies truth."

"And what you said, it was truth, not deception, right?"

"Yes, Lisbon. I wouldn't lie to you, not about that."

"Then you do deserve a reply."

"I'm not asking for one."

"You're getting one anyway."

…

"Alright, here it goes. You're my best friend. You're the closest relationship I have with anyone, including my brothers. I don't know what meaning of the word you were using—"

"Yes you do."

"In any case, I want to tell you… that I love you too."

"And what 'meaning of the word' are you using?"

"…All of them."

"Ah. Me too."

…

"So, I suppose, things are going to be different now."

"Could be, yeah."

"There'll be a lot more touching."

"Will you listen to me more?"

"Eh, what fun would that be."

"Ugh, I should've known you'd never stop making my life difficult."

"Never. It's a good thing you're a patient woman, because you're going to be dealing with me for a very long time."

"Oh shut up.

* * *

**This was just an outlet for my feelings. So many FEELINGS! I hope everyone can tell who is speaking based on context and their voices. Enjoy a Jisbon filled summer!**


End file.
